I GOT LAID OFF ...AGAIN

It all started when I got back from my honeymoon in 2016. I remember feeling so happy and refreshed as we had just returned from Italy! That Monday morning I walked into work excited to tell my boss all about the trip!

After telling him all the amazing things and places I got to visit, he looks me in the eye and says "So I need to tell you something". It immediately got quiet and he told me that that morning was my last day and that I was being laid off. I remember the first thing I thought of was Chris. How was I going to tell him? How was I going to explain that- yes we just moved into our place together, got a second car and JUST started our life together but um I have no job! 

So by 10:00 AM that morning I was: recently married, living on our own, with bills and NO JOB! It was so hard for me to believe that God would let something like that happen to me. I thought I would be "blessed" and everything would be okay and then in a moment, my life was turned upside down. However, I've always had my faith. I know for some, "faith" is a "fairy tale" and almost something foolish. But for me faith is EVERYTHING. 

I would love to tell you that it all worked out but after sending out over 20 applications and not getting ANY calls, an agency reached out to me and offered me a "temp-to hire" position. So 3 weeks after I got laid off, I went into this job feeling hopeful. I knew that once my probation was over I would be brought on. As my probationary period ended I got called into a meeting with everyone and we got the notice that the company was being acquired and that full time employees would be considered first. Yup, I was the only temp at the table.  So this is when my amazing boss (not being sarcastic) at the time had a conversation with me telling me to take any opportunity that I had because there was no chance that I would be staying. 

This time around I knew that God had a different route for me and this ended up happening right as Chris and I decided that we were going to be moving to SoCal. We felt it was a perfect moment to transition, although this is not why we moved (perhaps will be explained in another blog). We were so excited to try something new and felt God had confirmed time after time that we were meant to move. BTW it's been amazing here and I am very happy with the move!

Flash forward to a little over a year when I of course I had to find a job. Chris had transferred so that gave us some security. After praying over a job and my next step, I interviewed at the place I am now. At first I declined because of some reasons and then a month later got a call that they still wanted to bring me on and I really felt that God had confirmed it. I really felt that He had opened a door even after I had closed it. So I knew I was meant to be here. I've been able to meet so many wonderful people and have had the privilege to be a part of a wonderful community. 

So three weeks ago, after a time of prayer and fasting, I looked at Chris and told him that it was the first time in 2 years that I finally felt like we were settled. My boss had offered me a raise and I felt like our music ministry was really taking off. We looked at each other and said- wow I think it's finally time to start a family. Which as you know, I've already been talking about. Again, this is a really big decision so we've been very slow in making this decision. I just remember feeling so twinkle-eyed because I looked at Chris and really began to think of all the wonderful years we've spent together and how someday soon we will start a family. 

Guys, this was only 3 weeks ago and I write this today with so much confusion as I just got the notice that my company is moving to a different state and I will once again be laid off. I honestly don't even know how to continue to this blog...

Honestly, this last week has involved so much walking, crying, praying, and asking God why and how. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Im going to be honest with you guys I feel: confused, defeated, incompetent, sad, stressed, overwhelmed, and more. But even still I feel peace. Why? Because I have faith, faith that God is in control. I've prayed about this for so long and I have to believe that this is an answer to my prayer. Prayers are not always answered in the way we would like. However, they are answered the way God wills and that way will always work out because I know He loves me. 

There's so much to think about and ask God about. I was so hesitant to write about this because I thought I would be criticized or looked down upon. I really felt that people would put me down and try to explain "why" this has happened. I was hesitant because throughout these last 2 years I have felt so low, so embarrassed, so dumb at times. I've also felt like I've let down Chris and our little family. I feel like I've burdened us.

But once again, my amazing husband reached out to me and said he really wanted me to write about this. I didn't think he would want this part of our lives to be exposed- but he wanted me to use my strength in connecting with others to reach out to a quiet audience. The one who has had broken dreams ( not that working a 9-5 is my dream). He wanted me to reach out to an audience that wants to pretend they have it all together because of fear and shame- to reach out to a crowd who does have a full time job but isn't happy there but feels they can never be good at anything else. To a crowd who still doesn't know what they want to do with their life. The silent crowd that wants to appear to be happy at their job as if all their dreams have been fulfilled. 

Don't get me wrong there are a ton of people that have been blessed with amazing jobs and they've gotten a glimpse of their future and I am very happy for them. I am not intimidated or jealous of them because I feel secure in what God has for me specifically.

But this blog is for all my people that know that they've experienced failure but still have dreams, still have faith. This is for my brothers and sisters that may not have a "9-5 dream" but need a "9-5" to help make that dream possible, honey it's temporary. 

Anyone out there?