Lately I've Been Feeling The Pressure
If it’s not one thing it’s another. If you’re single, you may constantly get the question of when you will start dating. If you’re dating, people want to know when you’re going to get married. When you get married, people want to know when your going to have kids. When you have a kid, people want to know when you’ll have number two. The list goes on and on. If it’s not about that, you’re asked about your job and goals. And on and on it goes.
I think this is why I reached a very low place last week. I honestly reached a place I had never been before: PURE EXHAUSTION. I’ve been really pushing myself too hard to the point where I had to force myself to slow down. I had to force myself to RELAX! Where did this exhaustion come from? I honestly think it comes from the pressure that we put on ourselves. I actually don’t think this pressure comes from people but from within. If we could just come to terms with ourselves that it’s okay to take it slow, then we wouldn’t be in a rush to prove ourselves to everyone. I kind of wanted to share with you a few things that I’ve been feeling pressured by lately.
I feel like there’s this constant pressure of having the perfect job that you absolutely love. However, I’m at a place where I'm still discovering God’s will for my life. I don’t just have one job: I have a regular day job and then my husband and I have a music ministry that takes up ALL of our time. I treat this ministry very seriously and put a lot of pressure on myself. In some ways it’s good because you should really care about what you do but in other ways it’s not healthy to put so much pressure on yourself. In the midst of dreaming of doing full time ministry I’m pressured with the realities of life and having bills to pay, so I’m “bound” to a day job for now- and honestly I am not so happy about it. However, I know this is only a season. But honestly, the pressure comes from reaching my late twenties and feeling like my "ministry" should be taking off and thriving, but then realizing I'm stuck in traffic and on my way to my job. Any other dreamers out there?!
Another thing that has been pressuring/stressing me lately is finding out how many people actually aren’t fond of me. If you’re reading this now, there's a piece of you that does like me in someway. I used to find myself being nice to people for the sake of being liked. Until I realized that even when being nice, people were not ready to be nice. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be nice, but it means you don't need to FORCE it. It is okay if you walk in a room and you are yourself, and being yourself means not being liked. I’ve been learning to be okay with that and nurture relationships that I DO have. Also I’ve learned to always be available to people that DO reach out and DO want a friendship with me. I found myself feeling soooooo drained because I kept thinking of ways that I could be liked: buy people things, respond nicely, ask people questions about their life, and try to engage, but I found that not everyone wants to be pursued. I finally reached a place where I've realized that I need to to take the pressure off and be okay with being ME.
STARTING A FAMILY
This one is unique for me and you’ll probably start to see me write about this more and more. At some point in a relationship with someone you start to think about having a family and what that would look like. Let me first start off with saying, I DO WANT KIDS and I cannot wait to start a family with Chris. We talk about it pretty much everyday and we’ve been taking small steps to get ready for a new chapter in our lives. But let me also say that the pressure behind it all is...TOO MUCH. Not sure if you get this too, but Mom and Dad continuously ask when you will do it. Friends constantly ask when and then finally, YOU ask YOURSELF when and then it just gets overwhelming. Let me stop and say, questions DO NOT BOTHER ME! I love when people check in and ask me about my personal life because to me it shows they care about what’s going on in my life. It does NOT make me feel awkward when you ask when I will have a child. What I’m talking about it this invisible timeline that exist for every couple. I am talking about the pressure of checking something off your list and not actually enjoying each season. I found myself feeling pressured by all the expectations. I do not feel pressured to have a baby- because I cannot wait- but rather I feel pressure of when and how my life should look when we finally decide to do it.
I am not saying all this to bore you and worry you or burden you. I started this blog because I wanted to connect with people. I wanted a place where I could share my life with you. I wanted a place where other people (perhaps like me) could do life together. Honestly, I went back and read this blog and felt hesitant to post this but I just really believe that there are other people out there feeling the pressures of life. Usually, you are not just feeling pressure in ONE area but many areas of your life but in the end our happiness and peace is so much more important. It's OKAY if you: live in an apartment, still going to school, don't have children yet, are STILL single, still struggling. This is OKAY, as long as you are at least slowly making progress and you are working towards your goal. Never stop, never get stuck. Keep going!